we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
