Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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