I like my sex mixed with concussions.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
