Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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