I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Are my feet made of real feet?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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