It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
