Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
