I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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