he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
