I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
