you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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