Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
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and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
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Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
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