Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Randomize
