be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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