We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
