i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
