life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
