Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
