I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
