I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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