dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
