I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
