I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
