You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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