I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
