his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
