just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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