Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
