We won't sleep together?
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
