I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
