He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
i think my cat just said my name.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
