Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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