omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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