I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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