Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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