Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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