I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
