So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
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