dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
God I need to hump something, right now.
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