More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
