Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
