I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
