True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
