And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
