there's paper in my vomit.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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