OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
