Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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