its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
