Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
