there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
