Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
