He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
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