so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
