I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
